I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
