I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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