Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
