Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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