Umm I'm too high to move.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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