Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
