Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
