the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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