Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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