please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
