i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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