I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
