so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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