I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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