My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize