Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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