you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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