I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm passing your future prison.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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