your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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