One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
