Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize