oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I love having hate sex.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
