first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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