Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
