I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
