Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
