I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
