How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
