I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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