I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
