he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
