You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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