Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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