There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
