we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize