theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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