I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
