My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm passing your future prison.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
