Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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