walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
