i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Randomize
