I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
