I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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