He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
