grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
