Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
