i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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