i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
