I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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