I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
