please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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