No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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