so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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