she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
