im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
