I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
