she looked like the before picture.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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