counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
