I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Randomize
