i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
