Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
