if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
