remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
babies were throwing up all over the place
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
