If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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