Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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