I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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