I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize