Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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